how to talk...

So, I decided that this year I wanted to make a goal of reading more. I love to read, but last year I didn’t get a large opportunity greatly because we were preparing for and adjusting to having Berkley. My most recent read was How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish. I had frequently heard of this book in my classes at USU, and I actually purchased their book Siblings Without Rivalry shortly after we found out that we were expecting Berkley. When Chloe started to STOP listening to us, I decided that I had better buy this book. I read a comment on a post regarding preschoolers’ listening to their parents on phdinparenting (see my list of favorite things for the link to this site) that said that when the commenter’s daughter turned three that her ears fell off! I died laughing because this, in fact, was describing exactly what I was experiencing. I’ve always tried very hard to do many of the things pointed out in this book, but I feel like I fell a few steps backward after having Berkley. But, I’m happy to report that things are going much better (though we still do have “those” days with Chloe, and I know full well that we will continue to- it’s so important to remember that she is only three and that these things are developmentally normal for her).

Here are a couple of techniques/ideas from the book that I especially like, for those of you considering reading the book or just searching for a few new strategies to try to get your earless toddler/preschooler/school-aged child to listen:
First, the authors explain something that really hits home to me- they explain that children’s feelings need to be respected and accepted, but that some actions must be limited. It is ok for children to feel EVERY emotion. I know that there is a tendency to try to get children to dismiss negative feelings, but it is so important that they understand what they are feeling and are allowed to feel freely. However, I love that they write about limitations on actions. For example, Chloe was really frustrated with Berkley today because she kept “messing up” the meals she was preparing at her little kitchen set. What was Chloe’s response? She said, “GRRRR, Berkley!” and proceeded to push her over. So, I comforted Berkley and then said, “Chloe, it is so frustrating when Berkley messes up the plates of food you’ve made, but that doesn’t make it okay for you to push her over. Use your words instead, and I will hear you and help out.”

Second, I love the ideas they list as alternatives to punishment. One of my favorites is giving choices. Children yearn for independence, so the easiest way to avoid problems is to offer them a choice. The authors make an excellent point in saying that as a parent you must give choices that YOU are comfortable with, otherwise you’ll both end up being disappointed. Another alternative is to express your feeling without attacking your child’s character. In other words, tell the child why you are upset (“I’m angry that the play food is scattered all over the floor when I just finished cleaning your room earlier today”) rather than demeaning them (“You’re so inconsiderate! How dare you mess up your room after I spent all that time cleaning it up”).

Some of you may be wondering if these strategies really work; in my experience they most certainly do. I had never really considered the way that children are spoken to until I did a practicum at the Child Development Lab at USU. One of the overarching themes in the book (although I can’t remember if it was blatantly stated or if I just inferred this message) is that children should be spoken to and treated like little adults. Their feelings are real, their emotions are, too. Several times the authors pose these questions: How would you feel if someone spoke to you like this? What would your reaction be? Would you listen or do the opposite just to spite the person? I think that as parents if we simply stop and consider these questions before reacting to and speaking with our children that we might gain some ever important perspective!